the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
