Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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