I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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