It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
