the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
What drink are we having for lunch?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Randomize
