Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I will die if light touches me.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
