I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
