I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
