If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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