Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
