don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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