We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
