Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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