Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
