YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
