i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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