apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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