I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Randomize
