imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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