when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
