I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
