I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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