If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
