this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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