Old men and throwing up are my life now.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
