Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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