before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
