I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Randomize
