i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I believe in your delicious
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
