hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
