I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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