I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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