you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
