Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
