good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Randomize
