the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
