Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
