You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Randomize
