an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
