Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
