Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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