make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
