i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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