Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Randomize
