Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
