Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
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