The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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