You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
