I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
