My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
