so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
